Spouses and Job Negotiation

​Anyone who has been married can attest to negotiation that inevitably takes place during the marriage contract.  “I will make dinner, but can you wash the dishes?”“If you want me to feed the dog, can you walk him?”“If you want to spend Christmas with your family, mine should really get Thanksgiving with us.”The lives two people share requires constant give and take.  It goes from chores, to social situations, to family, to finances. However, spouse’s negotiation skills should not influence the interview process.I once prepped a lovely woman for an interview with my top client.  We talked about answering difficult questions, why this company was a particularly good employer, and how this conversation should flow.  She was such a delight, I felt quite confident in her ability to impress my client.  However, when I received the call from my client to go over their thoughts on my banker, it became painfully obvious that something went very wrong.    “She asked why she should work for us…”  The light hearted enthusiasm I had felt about this match quickly dropped to a hollow silence.  “…she said what? I can’t imagine her saying those words to you.  That is so odd.”  I wracked my brain for any red flags that might have been ignored that should have told me she was in fact an egomaniac with no ability to read social cues.  But I couldn’t think of anything that would have alerted me to such obnoxious and inappropriate words coming out of her mouth.I dialed my bankers number and immediately asked what happened.  “My husband told me I should be aggressive.  He said that I should have the attitude that they would be lucky to have me.”  My mouth dropped open and my eyes rolled back in my head.  “Is your husband a recruiter?  Does he prepare people for interviews for a living?  Why would you ignore my advice and follow the advice of someone who works with computers for a living?”  She said in a quiet and sad voice, “I knew once I asked that, I had messed up.  I could see the hiring authority completely change in demeanor.  That is where things went off track.”Interviews are a two way sale.  You must first lure the other side with proof of your skills, shining personality, and accomplishments, before you can expect to be pursued or sold on what a company can provide you.  Imagine going on a date and having someone lead with that sort of attitude.  “I am pretty awesome.  Why should I date you?”  Date over!  No one wants to engage in a meaningful relationship of any kind if one is worried the other party is only out for him or herself.Another situation where a spouse’s negotiation advice interfered with an interview came not long after.  We had an  easy going and friendly banker who was unemployed, and he received an offer from our client.  From the beginning, he had repeatedly told us he would accept any offer from this client if it exceeded a specific dollar amount.  But when we got to offer stage,  his number jumped suddenly.  After saying he would take anything over $80k, he informed us “I am going to need $95k.”  We talked about how we had specifically asked about his number several times previously and he had agreed to $15k less than the new figure he was demanding.  He suddenly couldn’t remember ever having said he would take $80k.He said he would rather stay with his current situation (unemployed) than take the number he had been agreeing to all along.  Now, the one thing about negotiating is that you have to have some bargaining power.  Being currently employed gives candidates much more bargaining power.  The bank knows that a candidate who is employed can stay put.   Staying unemployed with zero income is hardly more attractive than an offer for employment with reasonable wages in a stable company… when unemployed people give an ultimatum and use staying in the “current situation” as the bargaining point, it isn’t a convincing argument.The words coming from this banker’s mouth did not sound like his own.  We found out his wife was a successful business woman who had recently gotten a nice raise after an intense negotiation.   She got more than she had thought possible.  After feeling so triumphant, she coached her husband to use the same negotiation tactics.  The difference was years of service to her company with proven results.    Her bargaining power was the threat of leaving and those results stopping.Consult your spouse or partner on what you need in regard to pay early on in your conversations, so you know where you stand and can be up front with your needs throughout an interview process.  Changing demands at the last minute is a poor negotiation tactic that may lead to questions about character and integrity. When you are interviewing or negotiating employment terms and feel the need for advice, the best resources for coaching will come from unbiased sources; people who take a professional interest in your success but aren’t going to be supported by the wages. If your spouse brings up something that you think is worth exploring, bring it up with your recruiter, mentor, or colleague.